HeartOnMySleeve17

I saw this on Sam I am's journal and I couldn't resist.
1. name:Emi
2. birthday:10/17
3. place of residence:Valparaiso University
4. what makes you happy:hmmm, dancing, singing, writing, listening to music, being with my friends
5. what are you listening to now/have listened to last: If it kills me by Jason Mraz Acoustic version
6. do you read my lj: Not regularly but yeah, sometimes
7. if you do, what is particularly good/bad about it: I like how honest you sound
8. an interesting fact about you: I was once stuck in a elevator in France
9. are you in love/have a crush at the moment: In love? no Crush? yes
10. favorite place to be:Anywhere I have people who care about me
11. favorite lyric/quote:"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not, remember what you now have was once among the things you only wished for"
12. best time of the year: season wise? I really like winter and summer
13: a recent picture of yourself:don't have any, they're all gross haha
14: an obsession of yours?: Ummm the correct answer would be online shopping and Asian dramas

RECOMMEND
1. a film:"Wristcutters, A Love Story" (it's a lot better than it sounds, I promise)
2. a book: The Last Lecture hands down
3. a song:Your Hand In Mine by Explosions in the Sky, no lyrics, just really epic sounding music
4. a comic book:hahaha I read Sailor Moon comics when I was younger?
5. a short story: Not really into those
6. a TV program: If you don't mind a non U.S. show, Tokyo Dogs is absolutely hilarious (and you can find it with English subtitles) If not, Castle on ABC is really good too

PLUS
1. one thing you like about me:hmmm I don't think I know you that well, but as I said earlier, I appreciate how honest you sound in your posts
2. two things you like about yourself:My knack for language and humor when I'm writing, and my willingness to help others
3. put this in your LJ so I can tell you what I think of you. Already did!

So yeah college is pretty much kicking my ass right now, I'm turning it around slowly but surely, but it's exhausting. However, that's neither here nor there.
For now, I just feel like writing.

So I'm still doing the RA thing, and I absolutely love my residents, they bring out my inner "mom" apparently. On the flip side, I got sick last week and a few of them actually made me a get well card with a picture from one of my favorite dramas! It was really sweet and it made my day.

Ooooh! I know what I wanna do for a job now! Well more specifically I regular job I can work on a regular basis while I work on my "book" along with my other numerous projects I have planned for myself, so I can afford to actually do said projects and not go bankrupt.
I want to teach English abroad! More specifically, in Japan! Of course it will be a while in the making but once I feel I've saved enough money, and of course get hired, I think it will be a perfect fit for me.



www.youtube.com/user/Posatrocible#p/a/u/0/WOVNxM9TR5E
*Slightly related side rant* This guy's actually been a whole lot of help too. He's been living in Japan for 7 years as an ESL (English as a Second Language, in case some of you missed that) teacher. He posts a bunch of stuff on his youtube account about living and working in Japan, plus his tase in music totally rocks! I think I'd like to do some kind of video blog a lot like what he's doing, when I'm in Japan. It's sad how I have to see a great idea someone else put into action to make me think "Wow, that's really cool, I wanna do that!" First Thundie and now Posatrocible, my apologies to you both. *End slightly related side rant*
I mean I've always wanted to travel and learn new languages, along with my recent addiction to Asian dramas(not to say that's my driving reason for going) and I've really come to just love English as a language (thank you COD grammar class over the summer, one of the most fun classes I've taken, I kid you not) a change like this is just what I need. I can't wait XD I still can't decide where to live yet. All I know is that I can't live in the country, maybe vacation, but nothing permanent. I'd like a more down town kind of area, but I know the cost of living gets pricey there, but that's part of why I'm saving up, that and I just know I'll go berserk shopping over there. To be honest, I'll probably go berserk shopping before I leave too.

Ahem, I have a confession to make, a rather grave one in fact. I, am a shopaholic. I'm not quite Rebecca Bloomwood yet, but it's still pretty bad. Cause it's all online! *Warning*Do not go to this site! It's like a drug addiction! This is not a test! This is where it all started! I am now the proud owner of one pair of heels, one adorable winter knit hat, and four dresses all within one semester! All because of ModCloth! Don't get me wrong, they're all so cute and adorable, but it's out of control.
It's adorable stuff like this, that I just can't get away from!
Such is the curse of the bored college student without access to a car (man I miss my car!) Luckily I can proudly say it has been well over two weeks and I have not made a single online purchase. *support group leader observing nods head in approval and satisfaction* haha just kidding.

Ok, I'm gonna ask a really random question, and this is not to be mistaken for whining or complaining of any kind-although adding this disclaimer kind of makes seem it that way huh? Anyways, my question:
Where have all the guys gone? Now I'm not an idiot, I can see perfectly well that there is an abundance of the male species all around me. But I specifically want to know where did all the guys that are MY AGE go? Seriously, it feels like every boy I'm attracted to is either too young for me (I don't really care for younger guys-you can call me picky all you want, I can't help but think that they're my kid brother*grossed out shudder*) or I have to learn a new language and travel to another country just so I can actually talk to them. Sad I know. See my previous post, it might answer some questions.

Well it's been a while hasn't it? So as my title suggests I am at least 60-75% sure I am am addicted. Plus, I read a Wordpress page by a girl who is also addicted to the same particular drama as me and I decided I wanted to write one too (Yeah I'm unoriginal but I'll live with it)
Thought this might be funny to do, in a sad kind of way, oh well I hope it makes at least somebody laugh.

You know when you're an Asian drama addict when...
1TV shows from your home country "Just aren't that interesting anymore..."

2You visit the drama host website more often than facebook/myspace.

3You have the excited anticipation for at least one day of the week that can be compared to a young child waiting for Christmas to come (and it isn't necessarily on the weekend)

4You have a love hate relationship with the drama subbers (you love them for subbing the show at all, but you hate them for taking so freaking long!)

5After a poignant moment happens in the drama, you feel compelled to rant and rave about it whether or not your listeners understands what you are talking about.

6You think about the drama when you should be paying attention in class/work.

7When your friends say they haven't seen you in a while and ask what you've been up to, you huddle in front of your computer and mumble a very unconvincing, "Oh nothing really..."

8You actively seek out spoilers for the next episode.

9You make up theories about future episodes on your own, and then share them (probably with the same listeners who are still confused by your manic behavior)

And finally...

10You have a favorite character/actor and follow him/her through cyberspace and beyond in a stalker-like fashion.







Bet you'll never guess who mine is :P
Note:I am not trying to be creepy, it just turned out that way :]

If you find you can relate to at least 4 of these points, you're probably as addicted as I am. But don't worry, there is hope, we may still be cured, it's just a matter of deciding you want to be... I'm still not sure :P
Happy Friday!

Ok confession time
"Failure is the stepping stone to success."
I don't care how weird my JDorama obsession makes me, if it can teach me something as amazing as that, I'll stay as weird as I am.

On another note, I finally looked at my grades today. I just told myself to quit being a baby and suck it up.
Classic Literature B+
General Literature B-
Theology 200 C-
Creative writing C-
It's not the most stunning report card but I'll take it, I've seen worse. There's a reason why my Yale application never came in. (just joking, if you can't laugh at yourself, then who can?)

At first all I could think was I failed... again. But I looked at my grades again, there wasn't an F in sight. I hadn't failed. True, I could have done better, but I could have done a whole lot worse. Besides the fact I'm working towards correcting over 15 years of self doubt and inner fears that have kept me from really accomplishing anything in life.
So if this is what I can achieve the way I am now, just think of what I can do if I actually have enough courage to actually make an effort. To try my hardest despite my old fears of failure. To amaze everyone, more importantly myself. I want to succeed, I want to graduate, I want to become someone I can be proud of.
I don't want to be afraid anymore, I want to be alive.

A positive mindset isn't something you can posses easily. You can't buy it from a store, or track down with a private investigator. It's something that just has to come from you. It's not an object you can really own, but you can still lose it. But you shouldn't cry over the fact it's gone missing. Instead, keep moving forward til you can celebrate the day you've found it again.

Wow it's been a really long time since I last posted! So much to say so much to catch up on!
well for starters I've changed my major! (again I know but this one's a keeper) I'm studying creative writing now and I couldn't be happier! I honestly feel like my whole life has almost made a 180 from where I was last year. I was stuck on a path that wasn't me at all. But I felt like I had no choice but stay where I was.
Now I'm an RA at school (and next year too!)I have a lot of things to look forward too. I'm going to Colorado for the first time for my cousin's wedding in the summer, I'm taking a whole bunch of English and literature classes over the summer too (that probably sounds bad but I'm actually excited about it) and I'm rehired as an RA for next year! The only downside is because I have to go back to school for early training I'll be missing my family's trip to the Philippines and China. I'm a little bummed about but I can always plan a trip to go there another time. (Jess and I want to go to India after graduation! Maybe a side trip while we're there?) But it's a country not a traveling circus, it'll still be there.
So that's pretty much my life as of right now. Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days just like the rest of the world. Things don't always go the way I planned. But the important thing is that you work through moments like that. To borrow from a cliche, Happiness isn't a place, there's no point in life where every thing's great. Happiness is all about how you think, how you perceive the world around you. If someone thinks the whole world sucks well then yeah, things will be pretty bad for them. But approaching life with a more positive and realistic outlook, things get better. It just takes some time.

I don't think people gave life, the right name. I believe that life should be renamed practice.
Think about it, what is it that we do in our day to day lives but work at every aspect of our lives trying to make it better? We graduate from crawling to walking to running. We attend school to improve our minds, we get jobs to improve our finances, we exercise to improve our bodies, and we form relationships as practice for future ones. We have children to give them a better life than the one we ourselves had, so in away we try to better ourselves through them. We're in this constant cycle of trying to better ourselves. When we fail, if we're strong enough, we get back up and try again. Sometimes we quit if the trying is too much to handle or bear. But mostly, life consists of trials and errors, successes and failures. I think the most important part though, is that we try, try with all of our might, all of our souls, and all of our hearts. Because for every screw up/failure/mistake me make,we're that much closer to our goal. I guess that's the idealistic /optimist side of me sneaking out. But if I don't hold on to that belief there's no point to getting out of bed. There's no point to leaving the house or my room for that matter. If there's no reward, no light at the end of the tunnel, there's no point to trying, going the distance, living. And that is an ideal I no longer wish to live without.

I'm done, no more.
I'm sick of feeling awful,
Over someone WHO CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER ME
A girl can only take so much
I will get over this,
I will forget you
Exactly how you forgot ME
Because although you've determined I'm not worth much,
I've turned the tables
YOU'RE the WORTHLESS one NOW
It's just too bad you don't know it
I wish I could say you'll pay, that I will make you sorry
That you'll see the light, come crawling back
Saying how stupid you were,
And how sorry you are.
But what's the point? If you forgot about me so easily
HOW IMPORTANT COULD YOU HAVE BEEN?
I'm sorry you didn't think I was worth the effort,
Because you're WRONG.
I'm sorry you didn't think I was special,
Because I AM.
Unfortunately for you,
You'll just NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH.

Call me wordy
Call me funny
Call me imaginative
Call me intelligent
Call me puzzling
Call me musical
Call me kind
Call me witty
Call me passionate
Call me talkative
Call me wonderful
Call me anything
Just don't call me pretty

I"m skipping classes, I'm slacking on my school work, I'm lying to everyone so they're sure I'm fine, and I'm worrying myself into an oblivion. I stay up till God knows when, then don't get up until my body is satisfied with the amount of rest i get which makes me miss my first class of the day. I've never felt more unmotivated to do anything. I can feel the depression setting in again, the fear the reluctant tendencies to be honest and I absolutely hate it. The problem is there's nothing to blame it all on, except myself. If it weren't for the fact that I am myself, I wouldn't have at least half of my problems that I have right now. I spent two whole weeks doing next to nothing. Oh the last three days of break I tried to redeem myself, but let's face it, trying to cram over two weeks of work into not even a whole weekend it's just not going to happen, not very well anyways. I'm having the hardest time dealing with this week. Simply thinking about it sends my brain into a tail spin.
Too many things are happening at once and I don't appreciate it. Not even just the school stuff either. For instance, when an guy you find extremely attractive continues to talk to you (granted it's only over facebook) for at least two months that should be pretty exciting, right? I feel like I'm losing my mind, and not for any acceptable reason I can think of. I keep waiting for the day he gets tired of talking to me and stops replying. Sometimes I look forward to it. At first when I see he's written me back I'm so excited and I can't help but smile in sheer wonder that he still wants to talk to me. Then afterwards I become annoyed and frustrated, knowing that I am obligated to write him back and supply new questions to keep things going. There's also the irritation of wondering where this is all going. We're so far away from each other, he's my parents' worst nightmare for me to be with (he's a musician, not in school, and absolutely gorgeous) Or simply questioning his intentions of simply writing to me; wondering why on earth would this guy want to keep talking to ME of all people? Does he feel obligated to keep writing me? Is he interested in me? or does he just want to be friends? After I have finished complaining about it(We don't even talk about anything important! Why does he keep writing back? Hasn't he gotten tired of me yet?) I realize just how horrible and shallow I sound. This entire time He's been really nice, accepting my friend request and in turn writing to me (which by the way really threw me off) answering my questions and asking me some in return. He even apologized when he had stopped replying for a while(which threw me off even more than before)
I guess I'm just too used to being blown off/rejected by the guys that I'm attracted to, so I'm waiting for this to go it's usual route of crashing and burning so I can sigh, mourn a little, and then get on with the rest of my life. How sick does that sound?
From time to time after contemplating ideas such as these I start to worry that there's something terribly wrong with me. I feel too used to everything going wrong. When something is not going the way I want it to I just ignore it and wait for it to go away. That is no way to live! No matter how bad things get, they will never go away. This concept doesn't even make sense! why could it go away? If I ignore it, it can only get worse! And why in anyone's right mind wait for a seemingly good thing to go wrong? Isn't the more sensible option to just take something as a good thing and enjoy it while it is here? The whole saying "no expectations means you'll never be disappointed" is a load of bullshit. Because while it's true you will never be let down, you have nothing to begin with! There's nothing to look forward too, nothing to feel proud of accomplishing, nothing to feel happy about, you just have nothing.
I remember seeing some lame commercial for the army and the announcer asks "If someone wrote a book on your life, would anyone want to read it?" And every time I automatically would think, No. NO one would want to read about my life, not even I would want to. I would really like this to be the year that I can say I took back my life from my fear, doubts and worries and turned it into something I can be proud of.

I hate confrontation. I don't care how much of a coward that makes me; I can't stand it. So why in my right mind would I even consider let alone go through with talking with one of the few people on campus who I'd very much like to run away from every chance I get and pretend he's not there for ever and ever? Well for one, that's simply not normal, and secondly, because like it or not I'm growing up. Surprise, surprise; I know. It's not a very enjoyable process and it has a nasty tendency to grab me by the collar and then dragging me out of my comfort zone, which I don't appreciate at all. But at the same time it's a good thing. I don't like it, but never-the-less it's still good for me, like a little kid being forced to eat vegetables, but a million times more agonizing. Suddenly my life is full of moments where I have to take a step back afterwards and think to myself "That's going to take some getting used to." Why? because it's true. I'm moving in a direction that is not something I'd ordinarily do and it's pretty weird for me.
So am I happy with this change? not yet, but I'm getting there.
Am I ok myself? see above answer.
Will I get to that point where I'm ok? Meaning I'm totally happy and every thing's perfect and the sun suddenly shines out of my ass? (Ha ha ha) No, I doubt it will ever get to that point, I'm not Pollyanna or one of the Brady Bunch (thank goodness) But will I get to the point to where I'm in acceptance of my life and I'm ok with who I am? Sure, I don't see why not. I've been there before, and when I 'm ready to get there it will come to me.
Thus ends my lovely, bittersweet post

I know that most if the time I post here in some sort of melodramatic rant, usually about the same topic. So this post won't be of any surprise.

I've been living in a dream world for most of my life and I haven't realized it until now. I keep thinking my whole world is one big television show that's being performed before an imaginary TV audience. Switch over to real life, problems aren't solved in half an hour, there's no outtakes, and there's no laugh track to cue people when things are funny. There's no makeup and wardrobe to make you look perfect everyday, no scripts telling you what to say, no directors telling you what to do, no producers and writers telling you how everything's going to end. And there's no guarantee that everything is going to work out in the end. The songs on the radio don't mean anything and what you watch on television isn't symbolic. There's no set cast, people come and go in and out of your life, relationships change in ways you never thought possible. You don't know who or what may change you life someday. You don't have all the answers or you may even be asking the wrong questions. But you don't know, cause no one's telling you what to do.

I hate not knowing what's going to happen. I can't stand it when I have no control of factors in my life. And yet I'm terrified to see the outcome or make effort. Life isn't a funny TV sitcom, it's a scary scary place to be sometimes, it makes you want to stay in bed with the covers pulled over you and just hide from everything. It makes you want to curl up on the sofa and do nothing but watch the perfect lives of TV stars and wish you were them, wish you were anywhere but where you are, wish you were anyone but who you are.

I'm so scared to look at my grades, I thought I did my best, but I can never be sure. And when I think I didn't do well I start to think, maybe this isn't right for me. maybe I'm just wasting my time and I should be doing something else. But I wonder/worry if I only think that when I don't do well. I want to be able to walk away from this (if the occasion should ever happen) and think "I don't want this", rather than "I couldn't do this" Mainly because I know no one will believe me otherwise, I won't believe me if that happens.

I know I want a regular steady job, a place to go to and from everyday on a set schedule and receive a steady paycheck on a set schedule. I can't sit at home and do nothing, I'd go crazy, so that rules out being a full time author, or a housewife for that matter, if the occasion should arise. But I love words, and history and symbolism. I thought about the editor gig just as a passing fancy type deal, but it's been stuck in my head ever since. It sounds kind of geeky, but I think I could enjoy reading manuscripts and fixing details and word flow and language and facts and all that. I like words, history, random tidbits of fact that will never further my academic achievements.

I also love music, art, theatre, free expression. I saw an advertisement for an internship with Vh1. C'mon Vh1? How amazing would that be? People say they are surprised that I'm not in some kind of music major because I'm so passionate about it, which I am. There is nothing like music, it connects with everyone, it has many forms, genres, and every culture has there own version of it. People can hear a song on the radio and it affects them, some may hate it. others may adore it. There's nothing like it. Words set to harmonies and melodies two of my most favorite things in the whole world.

But I also like biology, I think it's fascinating. The way our hearts, minds, muscles, and everything works together to keep us alive, it's truly amazing. The cause of disease, it's symptoms, it's signs and how to cure it. It so interesting, but I'm worried that's not enough. I mean, I also think dirty jobs is interesting, but you don't see me taping every episode and watching them religiously.

I've wanted to take an English class in school so badly, I miss writing. I sometimes worry that I'm losing my creativity. I used to be so good at coming up with ideas, now I can barely put things down on paper and make them make sense. All my ideas seem to come from other things I've read, literally. All I've some up with are fanfic ideas, and even that's been a struggle to put down in words. I miss reading for fun. It seems like I have to force myself to sit down and read some days. All I've done this past semester is read for class or dawdle online, not the most creative stimulation there.

I'm worried I'm changing into someone I don't like, someone I'm not comfortable with, and I'm not sure where to start fixing me. I realize i swear too much, I over think things all the time, and I'm too sensitive. While it doesn't happen often, I have the nastiest temper when I'm angry, or irritated. I can get a little defensive when I feel forced into a corner (a metaphorical one not necessarily a real corner) I can be a little too sarcastic sometimes and it can land in the danger zone of hurting other people's feelings, I have a tendency to sort of "hope for the worst" I could be a little more ladylike and graceful if I tried, and I need to work on my patience and anxiety issues.

But I do have my good qualities as well. When you need me I am there for you even if it's staying up all night for late for a phone call. I try to be as objective as possible under the proper circumstances. I'm not really opinionated about many topics (except music, but that's an entirely different story) I'm pretty laid back. I enjoy psychoanalyzing people (seeing what makes them tick it's so cool!) and it helps me to step back and see what the root of the problem is. I am rather good at giving advice (this is from what others have told me. not assumptions made on my own) I have this odd sensitivity that makes me care about all things people related, especially kids. I immediately feel bad after making fun of people (unless they are really on my nerves that day and that usually takes a lot to get there, but even then I will feel bad... eventually) I have this irritating habit of trying to see the good in people (not like Hitler or anything, just people in general, in short I try not to hate everybody) It's rather easy for me to memorize things, especially if I enjoy them. I am a good person who loves and is loved (I just forget that sometimes)

Life is exciting, life is thrilling, life is happy, life is joyful, life is frightening, life is terrifying, life is messy, life is a train wreck, life is dreamy, life is a fantasy, life is beautiful, life is stunning, life is confusing, life is disorienting, life is sad, life is distressing, life is amazing, life is awe inspiring, life is intimidating, life is daunting, life is warm, life is insulating, life is cold, life is drafty, life is complicated, life is tangled, life is free, life is liberation, life is a battle, life is war, life is difficult, life is a chore, life is a right, life is mandatory, life is unsure, life is hesitant, life is stressful, life is demanding, life is hopeful, life is positive, life is rewarding, life is a gift, Life is... Life
And that's all there is too it.

Girl meets boy. Girl thinks boy is cute but a jerk. Girl forgets about boy. Girl continuously works with boy and finds out boy is a nice guy. As a result, girl changes her mind about boy. Days later girl sees boy again goes all stupid and turns bright red. Girl likes boy but doesn't want to. Girl is scared she will get hurt like before. Girls spends more time with boy and starts to really like him. Girl meets another boy who's really cute (like abercrombie model cute) New boy leaves so girl (possessed by the ghost of a stalker or something)friends him on facebook. New boy does something unexpected, not only does he accept friend request but he writes her. Girl, intrigued writes back. Girl and new boy become facebook pen pals. Meanwhile girl and first boy still work together and girl still has a crush on him. Girl does second bold thing, she tells first boy she likes him (then her courage runs out and leaves before he can give a decent reply) A week goes by, girl still talks to new boy. First boy still has yet to say anything of any significance to girl. Girl is going a little nuts wondering what is going on with first boy. Girl needs some serious zen meditation time.

The End?

I'm so tired of feeling this way. I feel like everything is always about to go wrong and one single moment can bring my whole world crashing down upon me. I get so anxious thinking about too much of everything all at once and all I can do is sit back and watch my mind spiral out of control. I hate feeling so scared of everything and not being able to make a decision and then second guess the hell out of it or see only the negative consequences which haunt me any time my mind is idle. I hate how fleeting moments can make me so upset and overreact. I hate having to fight myself to get out of bed or go to class or do my work because I'm so afraid I'm going to fail. I'm not sixteen anymore but sometimes I catch myself criticizing my body, my intellect, my life. "I'm ugly, I'm so stupid, I'm not pretty, I won't make it, I'm so fat, I'm worthless, I'm so slow, I'm so incompetent, I'll never be good enough..." and the list just goes on and on and on, same message, different versions. Lisa has suggested I try medication and I shot her down the first time she mentioned it. Now I'm thinking it might be my only hope. I don't want to cause yet another fight with my family but I'm so sick of trying, doing well, plateauing, getting scared, nose diving, getting into trouble and needing to dig myself out of the gargantuan hole I've dug around me in the process. I see what I'm doing wrong, but it's only when it's almost too late to save myself. My mom keeps saying I can do it by myself, but haven't I been trying to "do it by myself" since I started elementary school? And look how well that's turned out. I'm so tired of being in some much emotional pain for absolutely no reason. My anxiety, my stress, my emotional unstableness, my obsessing I just want it all gone. Lisa said medication can take some of that away. I don't care if it turns me into a lifeless doll, anything is better than feeling this way. Whatever the meds take away from me, I hope they never take away how I feel about music, although I'm pretty sure the only thing that can separate me and music would be God. Lately music is the only thing that's made me happy this year.
Yes, these are the lyrics to "Way back into love". And yes, I know it's corny but I analyzed the lyrics (in a way only I could) and they really do fit the way I've been feeling for a long time now.
I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past
I just can't seem to move on
I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

Way back into love-Hugh Grant And Haley Bennett

SO I've found out what my new greatest fear is: Fear of success. I've always thought this was the dumbest kind of fear. Yet, until now it never occurred to me how valid this kind of fear is. Once you're at the top it's all down hill from there. What else is there to do but wait for something awful to happen? Cause that's just what I'm doing, suddenly things are starting to go well and I'm terrified. My head is filled with all of these "what if"s and they're driving me crazy. I've had success before but I've also had a lot of failures. Unfortunately failure is a very familiar friend of mine. Why? Because I'm too scared to try. Because I'm afraid if I make the effort and everything goes right everyone will expect the same thing ever and over again. And what if I can't do it? What if I just screw everything up?What happens then? So it's safer sitting here alone, complaining how I never get my way because that's all I've ever known. I'll just keep on disappointing my family, my friends, and most importantly myself. Because that's all I've ever known. But is it enough? Is that the kind of life I want for myself? If I keep at this rate I'll wind up living on lake shore drive... in a cardboard box in no time at all. So if I know it's a problem why can't I change? Why don't I change? Is a better question actually. I've made progress in the past, but then my old ways come back. I need to fix that. But I need help to keep going. My emotions have been telling me what to do since day one. And I need some logic in my life to balance me out. Ok new mantra: Less feelings more strength. Bring everything into balance.

This entry actually should have been written last weeks ago but I couldn't get to a computer for a while and I just realized that I want to remember this.
So I went to NACA a few weeks ago. It's this conference for Union Board where you meet with other colleges and universities in the area (for us it was the Midwest schools) In the mornings we went to educational sessions and then in the evenings we got to watch bands, singer/songwriters, comedians, magicians (I have a folded 7 of diamonds that one did a trick just for me!), and way too many other acts to mention. It was an amazing experience. I learned a lot from the ed sessions I went to and the showcases were so much fun! Riley, Rahj, and Angie are crazy but in a good way plus they're great people to work with. They made the experience even better. And then there's Molsen. *laughs* Where do I start. He's probably the first guy that I've liked that's a nice guy. And it's a welcome change. I'll admit I didn't really see him a whole lot during the five days, I was mostly with Riley, Rahj, and Angie doing conference stuff, which was fine because that's the reason I was there. I had agreed to go to NACA before I had ever met him, the fact that he was coming was an added bonus:) Anyways the little time I had to see him was nice, really nice. I just remember this one time when I was sitting with everybody planning out what we were going to do for the next day and he moved closer to see my conference guide. We were so close I could feel myself turning red, it was embarrassing. Have you ever had one of those moments when you're so close to a person and you want so badly to reach out and touch them, but given the circumstances it would seem so inappropriate? Nothing dirty or anything, but it would be weird or wrong or odd. Well that's how I felt at that time. It was the most absurd feeling. I suppose I could have tried something like put my head on his shoulder (it would have been really easy, we were that close) But I didn't know him that well and it would have been in front of The president of union board, one exec board officer, and the director of union board, that would have made it a little weird. Basically all in all it was a good five days. I'll admit it was tough getting all my work done, and I did get sick afterwards (thirteen hour days are not very healthy in large doses) But would I have done things differently? Would I have stayed in school and passed up the chance to take a break from class, homework, my roommates, and all the stress that comes with it? Not a chance.

If my title didn't give you a hint to my present mood, I don't know what will. I'm semi ok on the guy situation (well there isn't really a guy situation right now, 'cause I'm taking a break from that, but I'm semi ok with that) But right now I can't stand the rest of my life. My desk and bed are always a mess, I have no desire to ever leave my bed sometimes because it separates me from the outside world. Because I don't want to get out of bed I'm always late for class and I look a mess. And lately I feel like I'm turning into a total bitch and I'm NOT ok with that. It's always in my room or after something happens with my roommates. I yell, swear uncontrollably, and feel like using as much sarcasm as I want regardless of whose feelings I hurt. The only good thing about me not having a guy is he doesn't have to see me like this. I'm ashamed of what I'm becoming. Because I'm not a bitch, I'm a nice person, I'm a thoughtful person, I'm a caring person, I'm a sweet person, I'm a helpful person, I'm a good person, I'm a little scatter brained sometimes and I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, but I can get it together if I try. I can't stand the way things are going right now. Even in a room full of people I feel so alone, I have no one on my side. I'm not in a good place and I need to find a way out, but how I'm supposed to do that I have no idea. I suppose this is my SOS something is wrong, and I want to fix it, I want it gone. I want it gone now. Just tell me how to get rid of it.

Broken Heart by Motion City Soundtrack
I’ll start this broken heart
I’ll fix it up so it will work again
Better than before
Then I’ll star in a mystery
A tragic tale of all that’s yet to come
Fingers crossed there will be love

But I get carried away with every day
And every fantasy
the deeper the wound,
the harder I swoon and wish that that was me

So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I’m getting used to it, you have to get used to it

I’ll devise the best disguise
A brand new look and take them by surprise
They’ll never guess what’s not inside

I’ll express myself with ease,
With confidence and character complete
With fingers crossed they’ll talk to me

But I get carried away with every page
In every magazine
The cheaper the thrill
the deeper I fill my head with blasphemy

So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I’m getting used to it, you have to get used to it

I’ll destroy this useless heart
I’ll fuck it up so it’ll never beat again
Not just for me but for anyone

But I get carried away
with every phrase and made up malady
The longer I hide behind these lies,
The more I disintegrate

So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
You never get used to it, you just have to live with it

I randomly picked this song looking for something sad to listen to. What I got was my mindset in music form. Needless to say it blew my mind. The closest I've ever come is just a bunch of sappy break up songs (not that they were bad or anything, just really sappy, plus it didn't help that they're break up songs and I've never been in a relationship, so I couldn't exactly relate) Unlike the break up songs which are flat out depressing, this song is one of those happy sounding songs with the not-so-happy lyrics. The best part of this song is the apathy the chorus
holds for the singer's feelings "But I’m getting used to it, you have to get used to it" especially the very end "You never get used to it, you just have to live with it" It's the same sort of attitude I give myself. Does this situation suck? Well, yeah, but it's something you have to live with since I can't do much about it now. I'm growing up, (surprising as that is) my situation may not be changing anytime soon, but my outlook can be different.

I’m at a stand still
Can’t move, can’t feel, can’t think
Or am I just too afraid to try?
I’m safe where I am, rigid and cold
A solid clear wall protects me from everything
Isolated in empty space
I can see it all but no one comes near
This way I’m not easily broken
But next to you I thaw and melt
My defenses are in a puddle at my feet
I keep my distance to hold myself together
But you’re back again and it all dissolves
It’s not your fault, you didn’t mean for this to happen
But you need to stay away
Too much warmth just might make me human
I shudder, just thinking of leaving my numb state
Was I always this cold?

I think this pretty much covers everything

Why is it that I need my self esteem to take a nose dive to be able to write something? It's like my creativity won't function until it's suppressing any happy feeling about myself I might have. I admit, I missed my creativity but not to the point where I want to scream and cry my eyes out but I have to hold it all in so everyone thinks I'm dong better. What a lot of bull that is.
I hate being sensitive, but I can't help it. It's annoying having all of these emotions that you can't keep to yourself. To feel that need to tell somebody how you're feeling all of the time, it's maddening. I also really hate the fact that people really hate the fact that I'm sensitive. It's as if I don't have enough problems already. I just want to scream "Back the fuck off! It's my problem and I'm trying to deal with it, so don't give me any damn grief about it!"
I almost ruined my friends birthday because of my stupid sensitivity. Some friend I am. I just got really mad when she stereotyped me like that. It really pissed me off; no, it really did. But of course I had to be nice and not say anything about it, or at least try. But it still made me mad. She made me sound so two dimensional, so basic, so shallow. And I couldn't stand it. And if you piss me off at the right time, my ability to keep my mouth shut just kind of disappears. So to this friend I'm sorry, and don't ever do that again.
Sometimes I think I'm better off living like a hermit. No contact with people, they're too much to handle. Nobody to disappoint, no one to be disappointed by. I could just go to class and then read for the rest of the day. I wouldn't have anyone to visit and nobody would bother me. It would be perfect. Too bad I like my friends too much to just drop them, damn.
I know my problems aren't the most tragic or important, but I still have them. It hurts not being wanted. Granted the person who doesn't want you is being a complete ass about things and you're not quite sure how those things happened in the first place, but never-the-less it still hurts.
How do you fix something when you don't know how it broke in the first place? What if you're not sure trying to fix it will change anything? What if you're not sure you want it fixed at all? What if it's number was up from day one? Is it better to leave it alone, sweep it under the rug, and call it a day? Despite the fact it might find you from under the rug and when you walk on it on accident it will hurt you with a sharp edge again and again? What if you want it to go away just in time for it to reappear? So now you've got an injury that really smarts but the thing under the rug seems just fine. Now what? You can't just go around still walking on the same spot day after day finding more pieces and smarting from them every time, life is not meant to be that painful. Plus, that's just really stupid.
Oh the power of venting, even if it is only via cyberspace.

It feels like too many things are happening at once. I"m stressing out and it's driving me crazy. It just makes me sad to think that people are getting tired of me and there's nothing I can do to change their mind. I know that sounds stupid and if they really are going to forget about me I should just move on and forget about them too. But it still hurts to know they don't care. I guess I'm just too sensitive, and I need to get over that before it drives me insane.
Like my one friend is in a sorority now and so is her roommate, they get along great, I mean I only wish my first roommate and I had gotten along just like they do. But one day she and i were talking about her sorority and her roommie's. She said she can tell that most likely they'll go their separate ways, and she didn't think anything about it. To me it seemed like she didn't even want to try to stay friends with this girl. It really bothered me and it made me think, is that how it's going to be with us too? I don't want it to happen but to me it seems like she won't care either way.
It's so stupid. On one hand I'm doubting my friend's sincerity, then at the same time I am in an never ending quest to find the good in this one stupid boy who shouldn't mean anything to me. But I still want him to like me. It's absolutely ridiculous. This should be the least of my problems but it keeps nagging at the back of my mind. I hate it.
This and many more are the problems that keep me up at night. I just need to relax and take things one day at a time. That's all I really can do.